I’m writing this to counsel myself and rationalise, convince, explain, inspire…do whatever it takes really to bring myself out of the ditch of irritation and depression I feel with the thought of my job. Feel free to completely ignore this post. It’s basically pep-talk for myself.
I am fast reaching a point in my job where I have no idea what I’m doing and why. I start feeling depressed and nervous towards 9:00 pm everyday with the thought of going to work in the morning. I feel apathy towards a host of e-mails that come my way. I wish I felt anger at least! Earlier, I used to get angry if I was left out of an important discussion or if I wasn’t approached for something that I had been taking care of since the beginning. But now I don’t care, I don’t want to care. In fact, when I was left out, I rationalized and trained myself to not care. The superficiality and inhuman aspirations of the corporate world is making me morose. There are different set of expectations for you and your foreign counterparts. Of course, that’s not because it’s how they want it. It’s a cultural thing. In India, long hours is one of the yardsticks of performance; it’s often masked as flexibility. It’s weird really. I have changed so much in the past 3-4 months. Earlier, I would willingly put in 12 hours and come out feeling powerful and refreshed. I’d feel I was indispensable and oh-so-important. Finally, the bubble is burst…only for good. Nothing and NO ONE is indispensable. How do you think you got this job in the first place?
I am a misfit in most places. Being a non-conformist is cool. But being a misfit is just your loss. I feel terrible that I feel this way at such a young age when I am still so inexperienced professionally. But I know for a fact now that I don’t want to be a person whose work is their life. I only want to work to be able to live my life. I’m not ready to trade living for working. I sometimes really envy people for whom their work is their life. It must feel so sorted, but who knows!
But the real point is that none of this really matters. The more I think about this, the more difficult it is going to be to deal with this non-issue. Yes, work related crisis is a non-issue, it’s just a matter of perspective. You know you HAVE to work, you know you NEED money…there’s nothing else really. Thinking about how others talk, walk, bitch, strategise, compete, play dirty doesn’t help in anyway. You need to be totally zen about it. When you know you can’t change it, or are so apathetic that don’t want to put another precious minute of yours in changing others, why not just slightly alter yourself and be more positive. Why not just work like crazy when you’re at work and just live life like crazy when you’re out of there. I know how hard it is to separate the two, but there’s no other option. It’s all about balance really…not just at work, but everywhere. The right balance between sweet and sour in food makes the dish par excellence. Wouldn’t it make life so much richer if I learnt to just deal with it?
It’s about harmony. It’s about keeping the two separate. It’s about not taking things personally and it’s about realising that even though it seems for ever, it’s still temporary in the larger scheme of things. Ultimately, the power is in your hands. Besides, if none of this works, what else can you do?? You gotta do what you gotta do!