Enraged-with-self rant

Every 5-6 months I go through a phase where I cry about not having any good quality. No, I’m not saying this so that people could read and leave comments about what a great person I am and humble at that for saying that I am a horrible person. If anyone did that, I’d feel much worse. I am writing this to vent out all the anger I feel about myself.

I suddenly realized yesterday that I actually have no redeeming quality apart from the ability to look at myself as a third person would and then methodically say what all is wrong with me. But the redemption quotient becomes more futile because I never do anything about this self-knowledge. On the other hand, I have an endless list of irredeemable qualities: anger, rage, snap judgements, impatience, acting on impulse, extreme hatred for a lot of things (the hatred is not unjustified in most cases but the intensity is). And this is not my first self realisation. It’s a regular bi-annual one. Not once does it strike me to even go near the idea of doing something to the way I tend to think. Then I end up discussing this with people who are close. If, out of genuine concern, they give me ideas and suggestions; I end up discarding most of them for reasons like: too good to be true, too fake, too pretentious, too popular, too Shiv Khera-esque (I have no idea why I say this given that I haven’t read any), too impractical, too unrealistic etc.

I tend to get angrier with people who are closest. Examples: dad, EM, mum. It’s almost like I’m on a mission to make everyone perfect without being perfect myself. So I have unsolicited criticism to offer for most things that my dad (who by the way is one of the best persons anyone would come across especially for these reasons: I haven’t seen anyone more progressive. He may not have ideas that typically qualify as modern, but he has the unique sensibility of recognizing that people are different and free to choose what they should believe in and live by. Something to me that is a lot more valuable than people like me who simply criticize other people’s personal decisions on a zillion grounds. He is extremely patient and soft-spoken. He has always encouraged my sister and me to be independent through learning skills like driving, living on your own away from your comfort zone. He has never made CC and me do anything we didn’t want to do even if it meant having to forgo his dreams of seeing his children a certain way; he has never shouted or insulted anyone EVER; he has never behaved differently with people just because they are richer or more powerful neither has he behaved any differently with people because they are stupid or plain bad…this is something that has enraged me time and again for I’m a firm believer of Tit-for-Tat ), does and which annoy and irritate to endlessly. I absolutely hate that he is okay with people taking him for a ride, he lets people cut him when he is trying to say something without ever assertively asking the person to let him finish, he never showed any anger against the brothers who mistreated him and his family time and again, he chooses to watch anything on the TV without bothering to change the channel, he simply cannot say no to anyone due to which he often does things which aren’t good for anyone, like eating when you aren’t hungry, he can never argue logically and keeps doing things just because he has been doing them since childhood, he doesn’t mind touching random people’s feet. Another reason that intensifies by anger about my dad is that everyone in the family who sees him as a cool headed person conveniently fails to realize that it is actually very hard to live with a person who never pays attention to what you are saying, who never answers a single question, who never defends his wife in front of his extremely mean and inhuman sisters in law. Every time my mother complains about this, most people in the family fail to believe her or even understand how it’s even possible to have disagreement with a person who is God-like. My point, precisely because he is that way! So anyway, every time I am with my dad I express my rage and discontent on ALL the things that define him, and behave recklessly. I shout, I express disagreement, I snap, I ridicule his choices. Yes, I am a horrible person. No one should be this way with their parents even if their parents are horrible people, let alone in my case when my dad is an exemplary human being.

And every time my parents leave, I cry for hours in retrospect of how I behaved especially with a person who has always protected me, been there with me in ALL my difficult times, given me life and everything else I have, tolerated my idiosyncrasies and eccentricities without being able to identify with them one bit. Then I feel horrible about myself and start verbally lashing about how terrible a person I am. Then I call my sis CC and tell her about how badly I spoke and how I feel terrible about it, then I say the same things to my husband who gives me his routine bi-annual speech about how I don’t have to express every time I dislike something. About how I have the same pattern that I never outgrow. About how I manage to negate my care, concern and love for a person by saying things out of concern, but in such an aggressive and condescending way that makes people want to go away from me. And then I cry more remembering all the times my dad travelled with me, went out of the way to do something for me. Then I cry more and shout and wonder why my dad had to be so nice to a daughter who is so horrible.

This was just about my dad. There are several other incidents too where I withdraw in my shell and refuse to call family members– the same grandparents or aunts who love me to pieces. But I am too uptight to make any compromise on my mood. I simply don’t have what it takes to maintain family relationships, like an occasional call to check on your cousins, a simple one-line message to your aunt. Most of the times, I am too busy nursing my volatile temper and oh-i-am-so-different and I-won’t-talk- if-I-don’t- feel-like- it image. I am just too arrogant to make any leeway for simple things like keeping in touch with family which I’m sure is a strong support in maintaining sanity in the long run. But that’s the thing, because it doesn’t make a lot of difference right now, I just fail to understand that when people call me, it’s not because they have nothing better to do, but because they have a warm heart that has enough space to accommodate care and concern about other people. Because they have learnt the joy of making little compromises for other people. But I’m too quick to judge these as: too interested in other people’s business, boring people with nothing better to do, regressive people who don’t understand that you don’t have to call just because you are family.

Very simply put, I lack the quality to accept people as they are. Especially when it comes to people who are too close and whom I love too much, I constantly tend to nag about the things they do badly or illogically. Anybody who knows me well is well aware of my temper and my inexplicable irritation. And EM always makes sense when he says that if I feel that someone is insulting my father, why do I have to go ahead and insult my father again for letting people insult him, instead I should lash at the person who is doing this to my father. Then I feel guilty and terrible and call my mother and cry and say I feel bad about behaving this way with dad, then I say the same to him. But absolutely mature and emotionally evolved and superior people that they are, they actually end up consoling me. Then I behave nicely for a few months. I consciously count till 5 when I feel angry, I ignore things that bother me. But when work piles up, or I am dissatisfied with my job in general, it tends to rub off on my personal life and I am back to square one. I’m back visiting my bi-annual emotionally fucked up stage. Then I go through the whole routine and then life is fine again until next time this happens.

I don’t even know anymore why I wrote all of this. I have analysed this time and again and decided to take charge and change my perspective and the all-so-negative thought process; but I’ve failed EVERY SINGLE TIME. May be hoping that if people really read this, I’d owe it to them, to change and evolve at least a little. Or may be just as some form of penitence. But truth be told, I am too logical to believe that just accepting your flaws is enough of a redeeming quality. And I know that not doing anything about this is sheer shamelessness and vanity.  Anyway, I had to write this to get it out of my system. I feel a little lighter now and quite ready (at least for now) to make a conscious effort to accommodate more people, just as they are, without any expectations and try and be a better person in practice than theory.

 

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