Overcoming Bitterness

This post is sort of a pep talk for myself. So feel free to completely ignore it. I have begun to realise that if I actually write any conflicts I have, I usually feel a cathartic calm descending over me. Anyway, I started writing this post on Monday but never managed to finish it because of the pain or what I can describe aptly with a Marathi word “satvik santap” I have been feeling.

I have been waxing eloquent about my job woes here and here. So the update on these posts is that I have decided to stay put within my organisation but will be taking up a different role, in a different team soon. The main reason being that as impressed as I was with the other organisation, they could only offer a contract-to-hire for now, which I didn’t think was the wisest thing to doing knowing myself and how I am in the face of uncertainty.

So yes, I am where I am with a slight ray of hope of at least starting a fresh in a completely new team with an almost clean slate. But while I wait for that, I’m left with no choice but to keep doing what has been quite painful for the next couple of weeks. Plus I am left out of a training that would do me so good. I would be able to understand the very core of how content works right from taxonomy and chunking to publishing various versions. What hurts be terribly is that I have been owning ALL the content for which the training is scheduled, since the last 2 years. I have created it from scratch, maintained it thus far, have put up a brave face while defending it before several teams (although in the inside I wanted to run away to a corner and cry). I know everything about it inside out. And when it was time for me to take it up a notch and learn more about it and about how I can create a strategy for it in the future, I was conveniently left out.

To top it all, my colleague who was sent for the training is asked to have daily calls with me to give me updates on his learning. They couldn’t have found a better way to rub the episode in my face. I have no problems with the colleague by the way. He is the best work-partner ever. We totally rock our team of two and he is more than just a colleague. He is like a big brother always looking out for me. He is himself a deserving candidate and there is NO question about why he was sent. The questions is why I wasn’t sent. And this is something that both of us are confused about. Neither of us has any clue how suddenly he came to be in the loop to be trained on something he has barely worked on. Every single day he mentions that I’d have loved it there.

Anyway, I have been dwelling on this since Monday and now I am D.O.N.E. I have to finish this post now, but now I am wondering if this was even worth caring enough to write about it. I have no control over this, I cannot and do not want to get into a whole argument mode and ask for answers to questions like why? but why? and the likes. This is one incident of being left out unfairly without having any and I mean ANY valid reason. There will be many. I really really need to grow up and learn to block things out. I have always had a problem of not being able to deal with the present and completing being taken over by negative thoughts, resentment and bitterness. These all in turn spiral into me going into a sad mode of constantly asking existential questions, then going into a deeper rut because what you are thinking and what you are actually experiencing do not match.

And since it’s all about survival of the fittest, I need to be fit. Meaning: Always remember that nothing at work, and I mean nothing, is important enough to actually go through so much trouble and analysis. Then internalizing the basic premise: the world is unfair. Then making it very very clear to myself that this job and any job in general is NOT my life. If it gets too unbearable, quitting is in my control. And quitting one job and not being able to find one is a pretty scary situation, but it’s nothing in the larger scheme of things. I mean there has to be more to life than one fucking job. What do you think?

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4 comments

  1. You know what, no matter what people say or you tell yourself, unless you truly fit in with the sheep mentality, you will not fit in. You will continue to feel angst and dissatisfaction. No self talk or pop psychology helps.
    What I learnt is to accept that the job is not going to give you satisfaction except in a few odd moments. Accept that it is a mediocre replacement for what you may have dreamt. Accept that you are doing it for money.

    99% chances are, you will not truly believe in this cynical vision at your age. So you will just have to chug it out till you can take it, I guess.

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    1. Actually its not that cynical. Just practical i guess. God knows what i was expecting out of the job. For the first year i was so so so happy. And then it just started going down. Its the people who made it that way. I dont simply dont understand unfairness. But i guess the trick is not to try to understand it at all.

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  2. Yes, trick is not to understand because there is nothing to understand. Just accept that this is so. The moment you try to understand you are getting in the trap because there is nothing to understand.

    Remember Kevin Spacey with ‘ I WANT THE JOB WITH LEAST RESPONSIBILITY’ ??

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    1. ha ha ha. Totally. I really really really want a job like that. Or if there is responsibility, I want it to be in exchange of fair treatment and compensation. Again this second is bound to push you into a trap of expecting and trying to understand. So just the first one.

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