I have it, if such a thing exists. I am one month into my new job in a top-notch IT company and I haven’t found a single redeeming quality of the work I do. Wait, I don’t yet know what I do. The place is excellent of course, with state-of-the-art facilities and fitness classes and stuff. But here I am with a fair salary bump, still feeling lonely, out of place, and unhappy.
In this one month, I haven’t found a single person I can talk to. I am not much of a talker anyway, but still, it’s nice to have someone you can go to lunch with. On second thoughts, I am not sure if I’d crave for company as much if everyone around me also was alone most of the time. Because I anyway don’t have much to talk to most of people, and I prefer the distance rather than knowing people’s moronic thoughts on caste, gender, behavior and some such. But I still feel sick, peer pressure you see. It catches you precisely when you like to think you are beyond such things. Clearly, I am a bigger mess because I think of myself as different from others. And my self-realizations are brutal and spot-on; only that they help me in no way to inch towards a more permanent state of peace of mind and happiness.
The thing is, I never expect any job to be deeply satisfying. I am simply not cut out for a job. But I am practical enough to value it as means to an end. Only, as it turns out, I am not comfortable taking a paycheck when I don’t think I have given enough. Neither am I willing to go to random departments at work and ask if I can help them. Fine, I need to give them a bit of a leeway because this is a new role for them as well. But aren’t engineers supposed to be smart people to realize that we need “some guidance” or “may be you can help us” are really vague take-off points to start anything really?
I don’t know if this will change at all. May be it is too early to tell. But so far, I haven’t received one clear instruction of what is expected of me. All I am asked is, “so what are you up to?” without being told what I should be up to. Is replying that I am up to vomiting my venomous and depressing thoughts on my blog an acceptable answer? I guess not.
I would have been fine with the bleak work prospects had at least one person around here would be a tad interesting. But the first person I talked to actually mentioned after hearing my surname that she was a Brahmin too. Like it was the most natural thing to say on a floor full of people. And the pride she felt was almost palpable. That’s it, there ends my possibility of being even remotely friendly to this lady. So, basically, days on end, I sit in the middle of a random bunch of people, whom I did make an attempt to talk to. This required me to get out of my comfort zone. I am somewhat of a meek mouse when it comes to approaching people when I don’t have a definite agenda. And my suspicions about people’s hypocrisy and general apathy to most things are usually confirmed. So it makes no sense to forge conversations that only add to my frustration. Another example was a girl who saw me coming back from yoga and said she didn’t do any exercise, she thought walking from the desk to the coffee machine was exercise enough. I never care enough about random people to go and advise them on health and nutrition, life, love life, anything really. But discouraging someone who is actually doing a good thing is not acceptable. Sorry boss.
There!! nikal li appni dil ki bhadaas. Thank you my dear blog for always being there as my sounding board.