fucked up

Wrong decision & obsessive behaviour

is what describes my current state of mind almost exactly. I know, even talking about things such as “my state of mind” is a luxury of the privileged and what I myself often discredit as first-world problems. But that doesn’t rid me of these. And why would they? I am privileged, and compared to a majority of people around me who have real problems, mine are indeed of a more superficial type. But explaining this to myself over and over again hasn’t made a difference to how I feel.

I’ve been going through a rough time the past 4-5 months. It all began with the realisation that I was hating my job. It further led to the analysis of the job which led me to my findings: I don’t like it, I’m not learning anything new anymore, I’m categorically being left out of a training i was looking forward to and which would have bumped up my chances of being sought by other companies, I find quite a few people I hung out with mediocre or pretentious and hence unbearable. So I started looking for options. I applied to a really good and reputed company. Let’s call it Company A. I applied for a change in role within my company. Let’s call this company Company M. And another company contacted me, near about trying to poach me. Let’s call this Company P.

So I was pretty sure that I would get through smoothly through all rounds in company M; which I did. But was left clueless about the pay or any other benefits. In the meantime, company A had asked me to quote a figure that if offered, I would take the job. I did. This incredible company went out of their way, created “strategic position” for me to be able to offer what I had asked for. Only, the very same day, I told them that I wouldn’t take their offer since I had an internal offer. And here comes my stupidity…I didn’t have any details of the internal offer, only to be told 2 days later that it would not involve ANY compensation change. Isn’t that brilliant!! 😦

Meanwhile company A had still given me 2 days to think this through. I did contact them within 2 days with change of mind…but haven’t been able to get through since. I have no clue if they even got my messages. So here I am…at the same point of confusion, uncertainty and obsessive thinking…all thanks to my idiotic decision to refuse one even before I had details about the other. I don’t even care about Company P. So I wouldn’t take that.

In short, I have written to Company A and have been obsessively checking my e-mail and refreshing it every 2 minutes and looking at my phone every 5 minutes to hypnotize it into ringing and bringing good news. But let’s be honest…who needs employees who can’t even make up their minds? Unless they are twisted like me and would consider this sort of confusion and indecisiveness very normal and almost adorably human. But, corporations DON’T work that way. And all I can do till I hear back is mull over my wrong, hasty decision and try to rationalise and actually believe that company M and the new role is just as great…only no monetary benefit. Hmmmph. I wonder if my capitalist and materialist brain would take this news very well!

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Pro-Ana: eating disorder or a desperate attempt to gain control?

While taking in my regular dose of documentaries about diets and eating disorders, I came across a phenomenon called as Pro-ana. I was utterly shocked. I could not believe that such a thing could exist and that so many people would want to embrace it and make it a lifestyle.

I had come to know a good deal about eating disorders after watching programs like Super size vs. Super Skinny and interviewing some people for my journalism assignment during beat‘s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week when I was in UK. I would regularly scourge documentary websites and basically any place where I could catch hold of Channel 4 documentaries. It’s during one such desperate search sessions that I found this utterly shocking disorder that is increasingly reducing the age in which it hits people. And what pushed me to write this post is this documentary I’m watching right now.

The documentary features a girl as young as 11 who suffers from anorexia and who had to be admitted to a recovery centre as she and her friends were competing with each for who’d lose maximum weight. At 11, for most kids I know, the worrying thought isn’t losing weight but missing out on their favourite cartoon show or getting 1/2 inch smaller piece of chocolate compared to the kid next door, or going to McDonalds, or strategies to get their parents to buy them the most coveted toy.

What then is it that drives these people to such extremes as to constantly seeing fat/ lard on their bodies where others see just skin and bones? It’s shocking to read the commandments of Pro-Ana what is also called as Thinspiration. It’s a proper movement that promotes not eating and sees eating as sign of weakness. They see food as an enemy that is trying to gain control which is why they should shun it and in the process gain control over food. All these commandments are the exact opposite of what doctors would ever tell you to do for good mental and physical health.

I just HAVE to know what prompts people to be just skin and bones and hate curves? Do they see something we can’t see? What brings on this extreme hatred for your own body? What makes you feel guilty about eating perfectly normal and healthy food? What creates this need to be thinner than just skin and bones? What comes after? disappearing? What is so obsessive about this that while your friends enjoy booze nights of gluttony you are left feeling guilty about eating an extra piece of carrot? What???? I’m left wondering….